"I ain't talkin' about rich, I'm talking about WEALTH."

I Do Not Have AIDS

I gave blood a couple of weeks ago and I finally got the letter back from them today. They screen your blood for all kinds of stuff - mostly STDS - and then notify you of your elegibility status by mail.

Now, I've had a lot of sex in my 20 years of life. 5 partners, 4 of whom I've had unprotected sex with at some point. I know I've been stupid - it's not the carefree days of yore when the worst that could happen was a scorching case of veeeeeeedeeeeeee. We live in the world of AIDS now, and the risks are very, very real. More than half a million people in America are living with AIDS right this moment, and another 56,000 will contract HIV sometime this year. The worst thing abut AIDS is that you can contract it and not even realize it for YEARS - by which time you might have caused a chain reaction of hundreds of infections. I've taken some pretty big gambles with my health, and I've never had an STD test. I know I probably sound like an irresponsible floozy, but I'm willing to bet my sexual hygiene is no worse than most other college sophomores out there. I'll redeem myself with a PSA at the end of this post, ok?

So when they told me they would test my blood, I was nervous. I didn't know what kind of results might come back. What was I going to do if I had HIV? What if I had given it to my (always faithful) boyfriend? How would I explain to my family? How would I live the rest of my life? Would I die soon, or would I linger for decades, stop-gapping the dam with a slew of expensive first-world drugs? Would I be able to live with the survivor's guilt, knowing that I was only alive because my family is rich enough (and white enough) to afford the antiretroviral therapy to keep me alive when so many others have died?

Yeah, my imagination gets crazy when I contemplate my mortality. Suffice it to say, my stomach did a big twist when I saw the "Blood Donor Services" letter in the mail today. I literally did the "deep breath" thing to came myself as I tore it open.

Thanks to whatever deity is up there - I don't have HIV or AIDS or any other funny business floating around in there. My blood is clean enough to go into another person's body.

If you'll pardon the turn of phrase - there's something so heart-rending about giving blood. My very source of being might be replenishing someone else - what passed through my heart will pass through someone else's. I'm thrilled and electrified by the idea of such intense intacy with a complete stranger. This is the most personal gift I can possibly give - more "real" than sexual intimacy, even. More concrete and tangible. You can't pick favorites - the violent chaos of the universe chooses for you.

Plus, for the first time in my life, I got to find out my blood type. B+. Only about 8% of the population is B. The letter said because it's rare it'll probably really help someone. Although it's ok for everyone to receive O, it's best to receive your exact blood type - the match is easier for your body to handle. So I get the satisfaction of knowing my blood hopefully really helped someone, and the icing on the cake is that I'm a little bit special, unusual, rare, etc.

Just as I always suspected :)

Seriously kids - wear a rubber and get tested regularly. Don't be stupid like I was. You owe it to your health.

Goal for this year: lose 5 pounds.

This is a brand-new goal for me - I've never, ever dieted before. But I've been sitting on the couch for the last 10 months trying to find a job, and I'm starting to feel a little bit of the spread happening around the back part of my hips. Besides - just bought the cutest new swim suit from Victoria's Secret and I want the bottoms (S) to fit as perfectly as the top (M) does.

Stuff to do before my second date...

1. Put together an outfit that is both a) appropriate to the weather and b) somehow includes a pair of sexy high heels. May need to buy new clothes and/or shoes. Now might be the time to go shopping with those gifts cards to American Eagle and the Gap...it takes money to make money, amirite?

Note to self: wear lots of skirts around Boston. He's a leg man who likes obviously feminine clothing.

2. Buy/borrow/steal some tweezers and do my eyebrows. I lost my tweezers and I haven't done them in weeks. I know how much better my face looks with a perfectly arched brow. In fact I should try to do that today before I see my friend for lunch...must run out to the market.

3. Learn some about Boston (not the man - the city he grew up in) so we have something to talk about.

4. Buy some lipgloss and put some mints in my purse.

Whoo! Second date confirmed.

Just checked my email. From Boston: "Yes let's plan for later in the week."

Thank god! The worst of my period will be over by then and I'll be much better company.

Now the question: what to wear?

Free Love Is A Pipe Dream

or, The Old Rules Have Become Insuffient To Our Needs And Thus No Longer Apply

Urgh, nervousness. Haven't heard from Boston since his (very positive and affirming) texts immediately after our coffee date. He's the SD, so I feel like he should be courting/chasing me, not the other way around. It's tough to balance the "men like a good chase" thing with the "assertive men like assertive women" thing.

I don't have time for messing around - I need some cashflow, and I need it this week. Just started my new job but won't get paid til a week after bills are due. Sent him an email last night saying that I'd like to see him again and listing my free days this week. I suggested light stuff - lunch or a movie - but in reality I'd like him to come up with something more titilating, like hot-tubbing and champagne at his place, for example.

Whoops - my Boogie Nights fantasies are coming back around. Must keep reminding myself that this is the 00's (soon to be the 10's!) and that we are still living in the shadow of the never-slow-down 90's. People are too busy to live out their porn-star fantasies in avacado-colored conversation pits, beset on all sides by golden birdbaths filled to the brim with cocaine. Free love is a pipe dream - we would never be able to get through the first 10 minutes of our 17 person orgy before someone's Blackberry would bring us all crashing back to the relentless grind of the post-80's economy. Those times are gone with the wind. I blame Reagan.

Back on topic - as much as I want to pretend that this is a normal relationship, several parts of my brain (esp. the parts responsible for the monthly budget) are acutely aware that this is, at least to some degree, an artificial contrivance which may require unusual methods of stimulation to keep it growing and evolving. SD/SB relationships are actually quite far removed from the "natural pairing of fertile women with good providers" or any of that other natural-selection BS they try to pedal on the propaganda pages. Quite the opposite. It's the Frankenstein's monster of dating. At best, learning how to date like this successfully is a tight-rope act - the ultimate mix of business and pleasure. At worst, it's the delusional little sister of prostitution.

I'm in a mood from the bad back-ache due to my period, please excuse me if you're one of the 47 groups of people I manage to offend with this post. Just waiting for the ibuprophen to kick in. Yesterday I realized that I seem to harbor a latent desire for a Vicodin habit. Laying in bed crippled but unable to sleep, now seems like as good a time as any for the Magical Controlled Substances Fairy to descend from the heavens and bestow a little bottle of schedule III opiod analgesics on my delicate constitution.

Yeah, this has been a really ADD post. Now time to catch up on Weeds and do some homework.

Financial Considerations

Big news: I'm famous! Or at least, infamous. The wonderful SA blog quoted some of my questions.

Check it out here: http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=175

Ugh, not feeling too sexy today. First day of my period. It's occurred to me that if I get an SD I'm going to have to be *extremely* scrupulous about keeping track of exactly when my period is going to come - both to guard against pregnancy and to prevent embarrassing surprises. My period is sort of my arch nemisis - it likes to fake me out with PMS symptoms for a few days, then lay low for a few, then sneak attack me. This also kind of throws things off - I was planning on seducing Boston this week so I could get the cash from him that I need to pay the beginning-of-the-month bills. Instead, it looks like it's time to sell the 55 inch TV. I'm a little sad - I love that TV - but if I get money from Boston next week then I can buy us an even nicer one - maybe something flat we could hang on the wall.


Not that there aren't plenty of ways to satisfy a man during that time of the month, but I'd be really happy if I could avoid feeling all bloated and messy and back-achey during our first kiss and/or make-out session.

I wonder how to bring up finances - I'm guessing we should go on Date Number Two and at least kiss and hold hands to see if there's a sexual spark there. We talked for a good hour before and have enough common interests to be friendly acquaintances, but who knows where the passion comes from?

I want this to be real - I don't want to have to fake this. In an ideal world, I would expect this to be a whirl-wind romance with my hormone-puzzle-piece-fitting partner. But this isn't Utopia, it's plain old crappy reality. And I know that in reality, for 2000+ a month, I would be willing to fake a couple of orgasms. God knows I've faked plenty before for free.

Which brings me back to money - I was originally looking for 2000 a month. 1200 for living expenses, 800 for fun. But on Boston's SA profile, his assistance range was 3K to 5K.

Now, I don't need 5K a month. I'm pretty sure having that much disposable income would simply encourage fiscal irresponsibility. Unlike the US government, I don't feel comfortable wasting thousands of dollars of someone else's money on frivolous things. Besides which, at a 5K/mo budget, I would feel uncomfortably indebted to him. Indentured, even. I would feel terrible any time he asked to see me and I couldn't because of work or school. I would never feel able to say No to him if he asked for something sexually I wasn't into, because then I would feel like a bad investment.

That said, I am an American and a staunch capitalist, and seeing a higher money-making potential than I originally anticipated is making bells and bright lights go off in my head. I know I would be a fool to accept less from a man who can easily afford it. So, the question of the day is, should I ask for 2500 or 3000/mo? I'm thinking I'll ask for 3000, and let him bargain me down if he likes. Or who knows? He might be totally fine with 3K and I'm just being neurotic. It's all just semantics to me at this point - once I have my monthly bills paid and a little put away for a rainy day, all the rest is just for fun anyway.

Thank god I have this blog to think out-loud on.