This blog is a zombie. It never really dies.

Holy cow, when did I get all these followers?

Back in action, kinda sorta.

So. Much. Has. Happened.

Remember that Perfect Boyfriend from my last few posts? He turned out to be a controlling, jealous, insecure asshat.

Reader, I dumped him.

I am now officially single for the first time in my adult life.

The is a new guy who I am casually fucking. l call him Lover Boy. I am determined not to get attached. Even though he's cute, funny, kind, and hung like a horse.

Tomorrow night looks like my first dinner date with a potential sugar daddy since re-entering the single life.

Strap yourselves in..it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Sorry for the delay...

So much going on. Deluged by emails over at SA. Working on several different pots right now. Decided it would be awesome to set a goal for myself like, say, an average of 1K a week? At my current allowance requirement that would mean I would need, bare minimum, 2 SDs. And probably 3, for those times when things just don't work out like they should. That's what I've been looking for though - multiple SDs to help me accomplish my goals as fast as possible. This time around I'm like a laser beam, focusing on exactly what I want and what I can provide.

Cam guy disappeared - big surprise. I'm giving crazy emailing guy another chance - I stood him up and apologized, and he's still down to meet me. And I'm looking for a gift daddy on top of that.

However, until I actually physically meet up with anyone, I won't consider myself to be "back in the saddle", if you know what I mean. I have one pot who is young, hot, and super nice, as well as willing to travel to me (sweet!) so we'll see if that chemistry translates.

What do you do when...

You think you have an amazing connection with a potential SD but then he bombards you with emails?

I'll let you know if I decide to meet him for drinks tonight.

Camming?

I found an SD on the West Coast who is looking to cam with a girl a few times a week for 300 to 400 each time. We're supposed to start tomorrow night.

Camming is fine by me. It does not feel like cheating. It feels like a job.

This guy wants to move fast. I'm skeptical. We'll see how this goes.

I'm semi-back! Quandary of the brain. Help a sister out.

Big emotional rant. Not as finger-point-y as last time, I swear. Mostly about my internal turmoil caused by the conflict of love v. money.

I have not officially returned to the sugar lifestyle yet. I'm teetering on the brink right now. I want some input on this.

My amazing, wonderful bf found out about Mr. Sexy and asked me to explain. Said it was disgusting. Made me swear never to do it again - the ultimatum of "We can get past this and stay together if you're prepared to change. You can have this new life with me where you make your own money, or you can be single and have your old life."

Ah. Change. Is that a thing I am prepared to do?

Of course, in that moment, I chose him, no problem. Well, I may have hesitated a bit, but only because I was concerned that the lack of trust that was instantly created when he found out about my past was going to be so damaging to the relationship that we might as well break it off. He assured me that trust can be earned back. He wants to marry me, and he is serious about it. He doesn't mind my colorful sexual history or my emotional baggage. He's a good guy. A hard worker. Smart. Good in bed. Loves to go downtown. Theoretically, I absolutely want to shape up, get a respectable job, and settle down into a sweet life with him.

I'm having a severe crisis now. I'm missing the security of an SD. Also, over the past few years I've become really interested in exotic dancing. I have no moral objection to either of these professions - and even if you want to believe sugaring is "dating", it honestly feels a like more like work. Were I single, I would probably strip in addition to cultivating relationships with multiple SDs. After a month or so I would have a very decent amount of cash rolling in, as opposed to the measly amount I make in the terrible hours of my current job.

I miss it. I miss holding 500 dollars in my hand. I miss all the extras that comes with financial security. Being able to fix my car, fill my tank all the way up, get my hair blown out, etc.

Not to mention, I'm so much more experienced now with money. I would spend FIRST on the most crucial things - an oil change for my car, college textbooks, health checkups. The most frivolous thing I can think of is a new cell phone to replace my 3 year old model.

I can either be chronically broke and have a great bf, or I can be single and independently wealthy.

I haven't been single since I was 15. I'm 21 now. It's scary.

I have 12 dollars in my bank account and my car is on empty. It's scary.

There are other solutions. I can SB/dance on the side and hope my bf doesn't find out. I can try to get a higher paying non-sexual job (which is what I'm trying to do right now). I can confront my boyfriend and tell him that sex industry work is just a part of dating me and that if he doesn't like it he can lump it. I can tell him I need a break, the relationship is getting too serious and I need space, and make as much as I can in those couple of months, and then get back together with him and hope he doesn't ask what I did. I can take out a student loan (which I may actually need if my financial aid doesn't come through in time), pay for the classes I want to take this semester and live meagerly off the rest of it, just enough to keep me from overdrafting my account. I can ask my family for a loan. I can buy a lottery ticket.

What to do, babies? Celebrate financial independence while mourning the only healthy relationship I've ever had? Be gleefully single and able to screw any guy I want, but worry constantly about when I'm going to find that magical sugar daddy? Bust my ass at another stab-your-eyes-out-boring white-collar 9 to 5 so that I don't have to sell my body for money? Humbly work a low wage job to help put myself through college, like every honest person on the planet does? Learn the value of a dollar by working for 8 of them an hour, or invest in a Roth IRA that will make me rich by the time I'm 60?

This relationship is good for me. My last one was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. My parents have met this guy. At the same time, I'm really young to decide "this is it" and give up stuff I love (I admit, I love the chase, and I love exhibitionism, and I love dressing up, and I love it when men give me money) for a guy, no matter how many other ways he is awesome.

I can't SB my whole life, and a dancer's career is very limited. You have to get in, make your money, and get out. My bf has reminded me that in the future I won't be able to get by on my looks like I have been, so I need to start practicing for that now by finishing school and getting a real job.

I don't want a real job, I want heavy black eyeliner, lingerie, and Paris.

I also want love.

I don't want to live that double life any more. I don't want the deceit. I don't want the lies.

I do want the money.

I do want the boy.

I am a monster made of greed and love.

Fuck my life.
Fuck my personal demons.
Fuck capitalism that makes me want money more than love.
Fuck patriarchal society for making me scared to be single.
Fuck my last relationship for making me so unsure of what I actually want.
Fuck the internet for making everything immoral and unjustifiable at my fingertips.
Fuck Mother Nature for giving my this body and this face.
Fuck Father Time for setting a time limit on them.
Fuck men in general.
Fuck the inventor of money.
Fuck the inventor of monogamous romantic love.
Fuck opportunity costs.


Shit shit shit. Hell fuck ass. Who am I? What the fuck am I? Is my priority school, or earning? Is it freedom, or love? Am a globe-trotting courtesan? Am I a very high paid call girl with one client? Am I the good little girlfriend? Am I the kind of person that can make a large personal sacrifice for the person they love? Am I a liar, a cheater? Am I a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker?

Time for a cup of tea.