Big emotional rant. Not as finger-point-y as last time, I swear. Mostly about my internal turmoil caused by the conflict of love v. money.
I have not officially returned to the sugar lifestyle yet. I'm teetering on the brink right now. I want some input on this.
My amazing, wonderful bf found out about Mr. Sexy and asked me to explain. Said it was disgusting. Made me swear never to do it again - the ultimatum of "We can get past this and stay together if you're prepared to change. You can have this new life with me where you make your own money, or you can be single and have your old life."
Ah. Change. Is that a thing I am prepared to do?
Of course, in that moment, I chose him, no problem. Well, I may have hesitated a bit, but only because I was concerned that the lack of trust that was instantly created when he found out about my past was going to be so damaging to the relationship that we might as well break it off. He assured me that trust can be earned back. He wants to marry me, and he is serious about it. He doesn't mind my colorful sexual history or my emotional baggage. He's a good guy. A hard worker. Smart. Good in bed. Loves to go downtown. Theoretically, I absolutely want to shape up, get a respectable job, and settle down into a sweet life with him.
I'm having a severe crisis now. I'm missing the security of an SD. Also, over the past few years I've become really interested in exotic dancing. I have no moral objection to either of these professions - and even if you want to believe sugaring is "dating", it honestly feels a like more like work. Were I single, I would probably strip in addition to cultivating relationships with multiple SDs. After a month or so I would have a very decent amount of cash rolling in, as opposed to the measly amount I make in the terrible hours of my current job.
I miss it. I miss holding 500 dollars in my hand. I miss all the extras that comes with financial security. Being able to fix my car, fill my tank all the way up, get my hair blown out, etc.
Not to mention, I'm so much more experienced now with money. I would spend FIRST on the most crucial things - an oil change for my car, college textbooks, health checkups. The most frivolous thing I can think of is a new cell phone to replace my 3 year old model.
I can either be chronically broke and have a great bf, or I can be single and independently wealthy.
I haven't been single since I was 15. I'm 21 now. It's scary.
I have 12 dollars in my bank account and my car is on empty. It's scary.
There are other solutions. I can SB/dance on the side and hope my bf doesn't find out. I can try to get a higher paying non-sexual job (which is what I'm trying to do right now). I can confront my boyfriend and tell him that sex industry work is just a part of dating me and that if he doesn't like it he can lump it. I can tell him I need a break, the relationship is getting too serious and I need space, and make as much as I can in those couple of months, and then get back together with him and hope he doesn't ask what I did. I can take out a student loan (which I may actually need if my financial aid doesn't come through in time), pay for the classes I want to take this semester and live meagerly off the rest of it, just enough to keep me from overdrafting my account. I can ask my family for a loan. I can buy a lottery ticket.
What to do, babies? Celebrate financial independence while mourning the only healthy relationship I've ever had? Be gleefully single and able to screw any guy I want, but worry constantly about when I'm going to find that magical sugar daddy? Bust my ass at another stab-your-eyes-out-boring white-collar 9 to 5 so that I don't have to sell my body for money? Humbly work a low wage job to help put myself through college, like every honest person on the planet does? Learn the value of a dollar by working for 8 of them an hour, or invest in a Roth IRA that will make me rich by the time I'm 60?
This relationship is good for me. My last one was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. My parents have met this guy. At the same time, I'm really young to decide "this is it" and give up stuff I love (I admit, I love the chase, and I love exhibitionism, and I love dressing up, and I love it when men give me money) for a guy, no matter how many other ways he is awesome.
I can't SB my whole life, and a dancer's career is very limited. You have to get in, make your money, and get out. My bf has reminded me that in the future I won't be able to get by on my looks like I have been, so I need to start practicing for that now by finishing school and getting a real job.
I don't want a real job, I want heavy black eyeliner, lingerie, and Paris.
I also want love.
I don't want to live that double life any more. I don't want the deceit. I don't want the lies.
I do want the money.
I do want the boy.
I am a monster made of greed and love.
Fuck my life.
Fuck my personal demons.
Fuck capitalism that makes me want money more than love.
Fuck patriarchal society for making me scared to be single.
Fuck my last relationship for making me so unsure of what I actually want.
Fuck the internet for making everything immoral and unjustifiable at my fingertips.
Fuck Mother Nature for giving my this body and this face.
Fuck Father Time for setting a time limit on them.
Fuck men in general.
Fuck the inventor of money.
Fuck the inventor of monogamous romantic love.
Fuck opportunity costs.
Shit shit shit. Hell fuck ass. Who am I? What the fuck am I? Is my priority school, or earning? Is it freedom, or love? Am a globe-trotting courtesan? Am I a very high paid call girl with one client? Am I the good little girlfriend? Am I the kind of person that can make a large personal sacrifice for the person they love? Am I a liar, a cheater? Am I a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker?
Time for a cup of tea.
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6 comments:
Wow ... tough situation...
Here is my unsolicited advice... you are 21 and you have never been single... I was in your position when I was 21... I was with a man that was amazing and intended to marry me... untill he cheated... and then everything i have relied on "sweet future with a loving bf" is out of the window...
One lesson I learned from that whole experience is that I have to take care of my #1 which is myself... so I am asking you to do the same... it is OK to be selfish and take care of your own needs... sure your bf will never be ok with you sleeping with someone else, especially when money is involved... so you can go into hiding and still do it or you can tell him that this is part of who you are and you need the help so you can finish school and get that respectable job he is asking you to get
Remember that with stripping you also have to pay your dues. At the end of the night you have to pay the manager, DJ, bartender, bouncer, security man, door man, mama dancer and your cab ride home. Then there’s buying more strip wear which doesn’t come cheap!! Plus you’re new. So not until a few months will you have your regulars. You may be lucky if you make enough to get a cab ride home the first few weeks. Do some research first. Stripping isn’t every girls dream, it can be dangerous. When you’re in the club you can be safe but once you set foot outside, the world becomes your problem. Plus it destroys your feet.
I can understand though having to decide between being single and rich or in love with someone and broke. Your boyfriend’s a person too. So if you say you want a break he may be thinking that you’re entering some sort of escorting service to make ends meet since I don’t think he understands and accepts the SD thing.
You could maybe have a talk with your bf and say that you will still date sugar daddies but never have sex. That could be a lie or the truth, your choice. You do need the money but love is so much more. I fell in love once and hate myself every day because I let the person go.
I won't lie, lie vs. money does come up in my mind every so often. I had been aimlessly dating for years and grew tired of it. Since I am so busy with school/work I figure that I cannot handle having a serious relationship. So I figure having an SD would work: I get companionship (sort of), money...But then again I think to myself, when is life never NOT crazy? I have always had issues of ambivalence and sometimes I wonder if this is another way for me to avoid becoming committed. Aya! Basically, I think you still have more maturing to do, seeing as you are 21. I think you will find your way...
All the best.
OMG I've been in this same situation like 3 times so far at least (at least twice with my ex and once with my current bf, Beau). I've got to agree with Goal Digger though, as bad as it may sound you've got to put your number one priority first and that's YOU. Sure when your youth and SDs are gone you may be lonely in the end, but I'll tell you what I told my best friend. I think it's better to be lonely and financially taken care of, then broke and in love. Love is the most unstable thing on the planet and money, although it's not guaranteed to last, it's shelf life isn't anywhere near as bad as love. Love can be blazing for 2 years and gone in 1 day.
So I'm not saying leave your bf for your SB life, but the pull is hard to resist. Think about all the consequences thoroughly before you make a decision though. And good luck! :)
Its so common to be lost and confused at 21! Girl! To me the answer is blantantly easy to see: Go with you desires...What ever you want, do that. You still have time yet to sort things out, pick up pieces, re consider, and whatever else. You are in a learning and growing phase and stage...I can't do anything but laugh as I read about you going back and forth with what to do. One minute you are all in for Sugar life, the next you hate it...Thats a part of finding out who and what you are, and are about. Very good quote: 20 years from now you will be more disappointed with the things that you DIDN'T do, versus what you DID do. You can have whatever you like. Go for whatever you want to... One, both, neither! Thats the good part about life...The choice is yours!!!!!
What you're feeling is similar to what I'm going through right now.
Its very emotional and I can't help but wonder if this is etching scars that I'll never forget.
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